(You know I love provocative titles :))
Chronic illnesses are no fun but the way life’s set up somebody is going to have them- hopefully somebody else, for sure – but that’s not anything we can dictate. I recently came across an essay called ‘Life is Tough: Six Ways to Deal With It” by Zen teacher Norman Fischer about dealing with the adversity in life (March, 2013 ed. of Shambhala Sun).
Our culture doesn’t really prepare us for difficult times; we don’t get a roadmap, for instance, of how to deal successfully with chronic illnesses. Nobody expects them to happen and when they do we’re basically on our own, struggling to adapt and make our way in a much changed world. We probably weren’t all that effective in dealing with major problems when we were healthy (we got upset, frustrated, ate mounds of ice cream, etc. ) but this is really different. Now we have an illness which can affects virtually every area of our lives (health, work, social life, finances), and is exacerbated by stress.
That’s a nasty combination, for sure, something that calls call for some good tools and Zen might be one of those tools. There are many ways – many tools really – to deal with adversity. Christians have their tools, psychologists have theirs, Taoists have theirs. I’d love to open up a dialogue (bloggers welcome) about tools people use to manage adversity and find peace and wellness in the midst of chronic illnesses. For now let’s see what Zen has to offer.
The World’s Upside Down
Fischer starts off the essay referencing an old Zen saying “The World’s Upside Down’ which, as is customary for Zen, could have several meanings. With reference to having chronic fatigue syndrome – simply having ME/CFS – means the world is a bit upside down is it not? Nobody, after all, planned out a future with ME/CFS in it – so life is ‘upside down’ in a major way.
The more Zen-like meaning of the phrase, though, is that the world is actually structured very, very differently from the way we think it is that we’re doing the wrong things to be happy, that basically we’re missing the point. We’re living an upside down existence and if we were to turn ourselves right side up not only would we see things more clearly but life would be alot easier. That’s the promise of Zen….not that Zen is easy; if it was everybody would be doing it, but it does provide a path that Zen enthusiasts says make life more enjoyable and more meaningful (or perhaps more meaningless :)).
Let’s see how Fischer uses Zen to deal with difficult times.
Lesson # 1: Turn All Mishaps Into the Path
This is not a matter of grimly focusing on life’s difficulties. It is simply the smoothest possible approach to happiness.
Fischer points out that our attempts to avoid difficulties don’t work because a) they happen – all the time, and sometimes really big difficulties happen, and trying to push them away actually makes them worse. In Landmark Education, which I’m participating in right now and will reference from time to time, they propose that we go into an ‘upset’ when confronted with difficulties. Our frustration and anger derive not from the difficulty itself but from the ‘expectation’ we had that life would turn differently. When it didn’t we were left in an upset about what should have been. If they’re correct people with chronic fatigue syndrome/fibromyalgia (ME/CFS/FM) or other chronic illnesses could be in for one very long, possibly life-long, upset.
Fischer notes that we very naturally gravitate towards positive experiences and shirk from negative ones. Even if a negative experience (such as chronic fatigue syndrome) hangs on around long enough so that we have to confront it, the best most of us do is hang on and cope. The idea of transforming something negative so that it actually ends up being enriching is kind of mind-boggling. For one thing, we really have no idea how to do that plus we probably have the sneaking suspicion that trying to transform it might just enable it to hang around longer. Far better, we think to just get rid of it and move on…But what if it’s not ready to move on?
That means we have to deal with it and an effective way to do that, Fischer says, is to hold the intention to turn “All Mishaps Into the Path’. When a mishap occurs Fischer suggests we take a break from our normal reaction to to – to push it away and get upset about it – to embrace it as being part of our path. In essence he’s going from declaring something is not part of his path to declaring that it is actually part of his path. Since it has just become part of his path that sounds like a pretty smart thing to do.
Fischer’s main way to do this is, in Landmark Educations terms, to grant each mishap being and he does that by practicing patience toward it. Instead of simply reacting to it with resignation or fear he allows uncomfortable emotions and feelings to be present, he notices how his body reacts and, since we love to beat ourselves up for, he forgives himself for having these difficulties.
In effect he encourages us to sit with the phrase “Turn All Mishaps into the Path” like a rock in our lap and see what happens. When I started reminding myself to turn ‘All mishaps into the path’ I found something negative would happen -say somebody said something I didn’t like – and that turning it into my path made that thing my own instead of it being an unwanted intrusion. Once I was able to incorporate it into my path it lost much of its juice; it became something simply to deal with and sometimes, once I got over my personal reaction to it, it opened my eyes to something I hadn’t seen before.
Someone recently told me an unwanted and prolonged situation had left her feeling like she’d been putting her life on hold for two years. She had the idea that her real life – the one she expected to have and should have had (those un-examined expectations again) – was being put on hold and that thought was causing her a considerable amount of pain. Just the thought of it was enough to drive her into tears at times. The whole situation was wrong, it was bad and that was very frustrating. She had clearly not granted the situation ‘being’, ie; she had not turned that mishap into her path and that left her a) at odds with the situation and b) unable to deal with it in a calm and powerful way. It was beginning to run her life.
I’ve found that using this intention – to “turn all mishaps into the path” really works well with little things. I was tired and was putting a pan loaded with food into the stove when I realized it wouldn’t fit. Instantly the vision of transferring all that food to another pan then cleaning up that pan, etc. was both upsetting and accompanied with some nice, strong body sensations. Remembering to turn that mishap into my path, however, enabled me to drop the upset (that expectation again that the pan should fit in the stove, it’s always fit in stoves before and how could this stove be so small, and now I’m going to have to expend more energy to clean up the dam thing..blah, blah, blah…), it dropped that conversation like a rock and I moved on an simply transferred the food to the new pan and moved on. Instead of being an affront doing that was simply part of my path….
Bigger things take more time. Losing Phoenix Rising was a big thing and I still haven’t turned that ‘mishap’ into my path; that is, when I think about it I’m still prone to get angry, indulge in blame, etc.. but using the tool “turning all mishaps into the path’ does gives me a calm place to stand with regards to that if I chose to do so. Ditto of course with ME/CFS. Looked at it from being part of my path, having ME/CFS is neither bad or good; it’s simply a part of my path and that’s a relief.
It Takes Practice
Fischer was clear that doing this kind of work is about training the mind and that takes practice but its’s a a practice that can dramatically change how we react to events. One thing I’ve come across in Buddhism again and again is that our reactions to anything, no matter how automatic they seem, are not fixed. Fischer states
The way you spontaneously react in times of trouble is not fixed. Your mind, your heart can be trained…When something difficult happens, you will train yourself to stop saying “Damn! Why did this have to happen”” and begin saying. “Yes, of course, this it is. Let me turn toward it, let me practice with it”
I find parallels in all ‘spiritual’ or mindfulness practices. My background is mostly in EST and Landmark Education, which I’ve taken up again after decades away. EST had a more abbreviated way of speaking but I think that one phrase, “Ride the horse in the direction its going’; ie..if you’ve got an illness, ride that horse as well as you can, fits here. Which reminds me of something someone just sent me which was very EST-like and a reminder to have patience…
What is……..is
What ain’t……………….ain’t
The only way through it……is through it
and
It takes……as long as it takes.
ME/CFS is going to take as long as it takes and not a second sooner. We could have it for the rest of our lives. If that were to happen we might ask ourselves (in another shot from EST) how would we want our tombstones to read? “Had chronic fatigue syndrome for 50 years and was pissed off the entire time?” or what? ME/CFS is our shared mishap and turning it into our path, I would guess could only help.
I was going to get angry with this, when I read “Deal With it” in the headline, but found this to be very wise and helpful. I’ve been mostly bedridden for over a year now with this last relapse, and this is much in line with what I try to do. I fail miserably at times, but that’s Especially liked the “What Is” quote at the end. Thanks for sharing this.
Thanks Ken…This was the cover story for that magazine its title was “Life is Tough…Deal with it”. That really caught my eye :). Our paths are certainly confusing; I’ve been befuddled and upset by mine but understanding that this really is my particular path. does bring me some relief. It never could have turned out differently than the way it is and this is just the way it is…I will continue to try and get healthier – that’s normal and that’s part of my path and it would be lovely if I could find something and share it – and so is being in not particularly good health. Good luck with everything!
CORT- As always you come through for everyone. I really felt better after the Zen info.
I have referred many people to this site that are on the Phoenix site.
I cannot thank you enough for your positive influence on all of the many facets of this
condition. Would really like more info on how you are dealing with your illness.
One thing I know no one wants to address -is how they deal with family, that they have to depend on. A lot I suspect feel very guilty bout having to ask for help. How do they deal with family that is ANGRY about the burden it puts on them??? That I think really makes this disease more difficult. That is why I am thanking you ahead for your always positive influence and help to the weaker ones.
You are a LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL—FOR ALL OF US!!!!
SAN DIEGO #1
Thanks San Diego – that’s a very good question..How to turn this mishap – the need to depend on family – into the path…Boy is that a good question. I must say I
m better at the little stuff 🙂
Fischer might say to watch the feeling and emotions that come up and have the patience to give them room to be instead of trying to swallow them up or deflect them somehow. Nobody is wrong here. Acknowledging family members for their sacrifices is probably a good idea. I’ve heard it said that money and sex are the two biggies for humans. This is a knotty problem that I imagine will take time, understanding and patience to resolve and who knows how it will unfold but but coming at from the stance that this is part of the path does provide a good place to stand…
The next suggestion in the series will – To turn all blames into one – will probably provide some ideas.
Make that, “but that’s okay.”
Why Suffer? Sooner or later, acceptance.
Makes me think of a haiku OM
Why suffer?
Sooner or later…
Acceptance..
Very nice! And it points out that acceptance will happen, sooner or later…and with it will come less suffering.
Thank you, Cort.
I’ve heard it said that holding onto anger is like taking poison to kill your enemies. Yet being Zen is hard, all that is, is change. Thanks for the great thoughts. Greg
Cort,, love your life lesson for today. I used to say I was a Buddist Christian. One day I thought “I wonder how Christ feels about that”. I have come to believe that God is proud that one of His creation has learned to teach wisdom in such simple terms. Neither teaching is antithetical to the other, in fact each fills in the blanks for the other. God plants our feet upon the path without any guarantee of simplicity. ME is part of my path. Wow, if we can accept that as fact, it can revolutionize “how” we live with it. I had some pretty angry outburst on my Facebook page, I just took both of them down. Seems like I wrote another one on some blog about the new DSM-5. If you see it out there somewhere let me know and I’ll take it down. Cort, I don’t know you but I know your heart. So caring and compassionate to your fellow travelers. You are very talented, smart, and here you are our cheerleader and teacher. Thank you for sharing your special light…..Linz Bright yes, doesn’t that saying you have above just fit us so well. I did’t know what EST was. I thought it was Electrical Shock Treatments but could t make it fit into the sentence. (old Psych nurse). Linz
I can’t remember the term but in Buddhism there is a focus on ‘doing good works’; doing good works is part, I believe of the Buddha’s ‘middle way’. Its compassionate to try to fix the world to alleviate peoples suffering – so its entirely appropriate to take actions that prevent a potentially occurrence (publishing the DSM-V); that’s compassionate action at work.
We’re not here to sit on our hands; we’re here to do something – the question is what. I have no idea what was in the DSM-V but opposing it would be an act of compassionate action to me. Diminishing the people who came up with it, on the other hand, would not be. That’s my take on it .
Linda, I love your perpective on the Buddha’s and Christian teachings working together well.
When I first discovered Buddhism, I thought I was a Buddhist or had to be a buddhist to make the most of the teachings. Now, a few years later, i realize that even without converting from Christianity I can get all the goodness from Buddhism.
When I sing church music such has magnificat or Elijah from Bach or Medelssohn, I feel something that feels like god. So do I when I life my days mindfully with the help of the Buddha’s teachings.
I agree with you, the teachings don’t seem antithetical at all 🙂
Actually, I have had CFS for almost a half century! It prompted me to write the book “Boot Camp To Eternity.
It’s also available as an ebook at Amazon.com Kindle section.
Talk about philosophy! Very different, but I think it’s hard to rebut. Even for preachers.
Thanks Cort, I very much appreciate all your great work.
R.A Perill
Interesting, I just thought about it, I had added several pictures to my FB page of pictures of paths thinking about this very thing earlier in the week. Linz
You’re right of course Cort. Accepting that it is part of our path doesn’t mean that we can’t seek to improve it: in fact it probably encourages us to. Nor does it say it will be easy, ‘cos it sure ain’t! But I for one have met a lot of really good people on this path, people who are sincere, deep and true. And this Health Rising path is a pretty good one that you are on, Cort: good for many of us.
Thanks Graham
It’s natural to want to be well and to try to be well. I just happened, believe it or not, to bump into the grand daughter of Pema Chodron, a renowned Buddhist teacher, who became ill with ME/CFS, I’m not sure – probably at least 10 years ago. Her granddaughter said she’s now well but she’s been seeing doctor since she got ill.
My guess is that turning this mishap into the path means dealing with treatment possibilities calmly and logically and living the best we can while we’re doing that. Every moment in Buddhism is precious…
Now I want to be a Buddist! I loved this article. And tonight it was especially needed. Long story, but now I see how a situation I wanted to run from, ‘is my path’
Thanks Cort
Thanks, Cort. I was fortunate to be introduced to Buddhist practices early in my illness and it has helped me a good deal in coming to terms with it. I tend not to talk about it much, because I’ve found that some people with ME/CFS think of acceptence as giving in or giving up and get upset when I try to explain. And some healthy people, when I talk about finding things to appreciate about the situation, think that demonstrates that I really want to be sick.
One koan that I’ve found helpful is a story about a Buddhist student who is cleaning the master’s room and accidently breaks his favorite teacup, a cup he has enjoyed for many years. When the master comes in, the student confesses what has happened, expecting the master to be angry, but the master simply smiles. The student, puzzled, asks the master why he is not angry. The master replies, “I can have a broken cup and be angry, or I can have a broken cup and be at peace. Either way, the cup is broken.”
That’s how I feel about having ME/CFS. I don’t choose to be sick, but I am. I can be sick and be miserable and unhappy, or I can be sick and be at peace. Either way I’m sick. In practice, I’m less sick when I don’t use up a lot of energy being angry about things I can’t change. This is my life. I don’t want to spend it being miserable and unhappy, and that IS something I can do something about.
Some people think this kind of acceptence is passive, but it’s not. It’s hard. It isn’t passive submission, it’s something you do with your head up, a warrior’s stance. It takes practice and it takes strength to meet life as it is, head on, without ducking or evasion, and come to peace with it.
Cort, very interesting. If you have not already, try to find Toni Bernard’s How to Be Sick. She has been ill with ME/CFS for a number of years and discusses how she has applied her lifelong practice of Buddhism and meditation to coping with the illness. I think it is the single most helpful book I have read, and I’ve been dealing with this illness for more than 25 years.
Thank you Cort for sharing this, VERY helpful.
And Agnes – you caught my attention by mentioning the book “How to be sick”. I would love to read it but can’t find where I can order it. Have you any suggestion where I can find it for online-purchase?
Have a good day all!
Hi eva – it’s on Amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Sick-Buddhist-Inspired-Chronically-Caregivers/dp/0861716264/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366360868&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+be+sick+a+buddhist-inspired+guide+for+the+chronically+ill+and+their+caregivers
…in fact, if you click on the Amazon bookstores link here on Health Rising
http://www.cortjohnson.org/amazon-com-stores/
and then search for the book and buy it, Cort gets a 4-8% cut that helps support this site.
I never buy off Amazon without using one of the ME charities’ Amazon links – it’s free money for them!
Thank you Sasha for all very good information. I did look at amazon.co.uk but didn’t see the link above. Now I found the book and I will order it rigth away. Thank you, thank you!!
Have a good day:)!
Well written Cort. Thank you for sharing.
Mindfulness is a practice. Meditation, breathing techniques and learning to ‘be’ in the moment takes lots of practice. Be patient with yourself.
I’ve learned by working this for years it takes effort, and that intention combined with attention is a part of the process…
We all have ‘good’ intentions but it’s not until we apply our attention to our intentions that we can move this ball forward.
There are lots of good and free videos online that teach meditation and visualization as well as breathing techniques, and it’s a great way to start.
If nothing else it’s amazing what meditation and breathing can do for sleep and stress.
Deepak Chopra has a lot of good ‘stuff’ out there.
Best,
Questus
Great article, great comments.
Just want to add here that what got me back into meditation and then to Buddhism this year was Ashok Gupta’s Amygdala Retraining Program. He does a lot of NLP and other techniques which were useful but what has benefited me most was his insistence on daily meditation. After a year working the program, imperfectly I might add, I feel I am a different person permanently, less reactive and more in the moment, able to frame many things differently reducing the harshness of life. I am certain it was from his modest 20 minute to 1 hour meditations I did most days.
And more, it got me very interested in similar things such as the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction work from the University of Massachusetts and a half dozen other teachings. The fact that it was my tribe on the forums and that so many of the other retrainers were also taking up Buddhism and similar practices sweetened the whole deal. I owe a lot to that program because I doubt I would have had the personal discipline to come this far toward wholeness without all the structure he offers.
It can only be helping my health.
The MBSR course I mention was created by Jon Kabat-Zinn, to connect it with Simon’s Full Catastrophe Living comment below.
Thank you Cort. This is very interesting and helpful. In a way it`s what I`ve learnt to do after ten years of illness. I know I can`t change it so I have learnt to live with it. I`ve learnt not to fight it all the time and to play the `victim`. I`m learning to embrace it and feel it`s a part of me. It`s not easy and there are those days when I still want to fight against and go back to feeling sorry for myself. I`m human after all!
Another great article, thanks, Cort. I’m getting tired of writing that 🙂 so why don’t you get yourself a nice like plugin eg http://wordpress.org/extend/plugins/roses-like-this/, for people too lazy to comment…
But while I’m here: shortly after I got I’ll I came across the book “full catastrophe living … Facing stress, pain and illness” by Jon Kabat-Zinn. He was the pioneer of using Buddhist techniques inside conventional medicine, and, well, now it really has become mainstream itself. Tat book also includes some wonderfully gentle lying-down yoga sequences that I still practice. The yoga, and the Zen principles, are no cure, but they certainly help me live with my illness and its consequences.
Good thinking Cort. I’m a great follower of Buddhist thought. No cure of course except an attitude of mind (acceptance ?) living with chronic illness.
I got M.E while I lived in a Buddhist centre. I have always seen this illness as part of my spiritual path and it has brought me moments of deep peace. Not all the time as I am not enlightened but it has and is the most wonderful spiritual teacher. I refer to many spiritual pointers, Buddhism being among one of them and I feel we are all on a spiritual path but it takes times before people realise it. When they do then everything becomes a spiritual practice and we perceive life different which brings about different experiences. That doesn’t mean everything becomes easier and happier all at once unless you have an full awakening. However, it does mean we start to see things differently which changes our life, each step, each realisation takes us closer to liberation from suffering. Eventually we begin to experience deep peace, joy and contentment regardless of what is happening in our life story.
M.E can be every bodies spiritual teacher and once we know that then we are beginning to ‘wake up’ become more spiritually aware and our life story is just that, a story but we go beyond our story and that is where the deep peace is found.
We are not this illness, nor are we our body or our life story and all the contents of that story. We are a ‘being’ having a human experience. Accept ‘what is’ , because it is, and see how different your experience of life becomes, just by accepting ‘what is’ and just ‘being’.
Loz
You made my day with one simple line regarding how we want our tombstone to read. Do we want ”Had chronic fatigue syndrome for 50 years and was pissed off the entire time?” That certainly puts things into perspective. It also made me laugh at my situation, which is aways a good thing.
In my experience, turning things into path does not only happen on a conscious level, as you describe in this article, but also on a subconscious level.
The best ways to get your subconscious, gut feelings aligned with the path are focusing on unpleasant sensations in a meditative way. After a few minutes of doing it, our resistance drops and we feel more peace. It’s one of the most powerful things I’ve discovered on my path.
Psychologist Eugene Gendlin, PH.D. popularized a “focusing” technique in the seventies in her book “Focusing.” It’s also part of Ashok’s Amygdala Retraining program under the name “Soften and Flow.” I’ve also created a free audio to do that focusing that you can download from my website:
http://cfsrecoveryproject.com/melt-away-tensions-and-experience-peace-audio/
Hope this helps 🙂
Good stuff, Cort. Thank you.
I remember that Kerouac turned that Zen saying around just a little bit. In On the Road, he wrote, “Ripples in the upside-down lake of the void. The bottom of the world is gold and the world is upside down.”
I don’t have any idea what he was talking about, but it gives you something to think about while you’re lying on your back all day.
I love the Zen approach, but on any given day, I must admit… patience does not always come.
I have so enjoyed the sharing and depth of thoughts by so many. Very helpful to me personally.
Just a revisit to those who may read this and worry that this community has become “non-Christian”. I don’t want to loose anyone who has always considered Buddhism another religion that replaces Christianity. I have a dear friend who was a Monk for many years with a Masters in Theology from Harvard. When he left the Monastery, he went to Calcutta working with Mother Teresa for years. He is such a holy man, a beautiful Christian and lives the Buddhist philosophy. If you read writings of Mother Teresa, she sounds the same as my friend Tobias. Basically we are all body, mind, spirit. Intentionally feeding and watering our spirits is as imperative as caring for our body and mind. Many people, myself included, turn to their faith in God for peace, comfort and joy. However, my spirit is nurtured by enjoying the beauty of our sunsets, nature, babies and The teachings of Buddha and reading from ‘suffering souls’ how finding meditation and Buddhist teachings, nurtures their spirits, relaxes their bodies, and brings peace to their minds. So too, Christianity and prayer.
Dear Cort – I really need your help…
I’m in my 13th year into CFS and have lost 90% of the active life I had prior to it, and I am still “pissed off”, as your hypothetical epitaph aptly coined it. And “pissed off” is but one of so many other emotional states involved, some far more intolerable than that one . Many of us I am sure have laughed at those words of yours, and I guess it is because they provided us with a humouristic relief for how we really feel. I repeat: how we really feel. Believe me, I want more than anything to achieve the kind of accepting state of mind you are talking about. “It is your path”; it sure is, I know it too well. And I try on a daily basis to apply that kind of thinking, lying in bed, I tell myself – such is your life, now; and though my resources are less elevated than yours, nothing oriental and spiritual, but say, “rougher stuff”, à la Nietzsche – Amor Fati – just be tragical before your destiny, like the Greeks were, etc. – I simply find it impossible. Either way, spiritual or tragical, seems to me to be overpowered by psychological laws: all major depression aside, we are built to have wishes and drives and impulses, – or even better: we have built-in drives and desires and instincts . Let’s take an extreme case: a mother sees her own child, her flesh and blood, killed; “it is your path” ?… You can say, yes, even that. But how can she achieve a state of acceptance?
Cort, I am truly struggling on a daily basis with the question of acceptance. I feel, very paradoxically, that I have so much left in me, but it is gone, just gone, – and still there. Feeling it is forever gone, but still there. Please Cort, help me accept that.
Christian
Hi Christian…
I see acceptance as an ongoing practice and not an easy thing; something that needs to be worked on again and again and again and in small doses. By that I mean acceptance works best for me when I take it second by second…that pain I feel…that disappointment I feel, that thing that just happened to me…..I would forget about CFS the big picture and the big losses and take on the small ones that make up our lives.
You might also try this practice: look at a situation (something in your experience – not a concept) and tell yourself that you accept it and then tell yourself that you don’t accept it and see which you feel better with; that might provide a guideline as to whether this ‘acceptance practice’ works.
Keep in mind that there are different strokes for different folks, as well; acceptance might not be the best way to approach this for you. I would certainly give it another try and if it doesn’t work now, dip into it again at some point.
I don’t think it’s forever gone Chris….I’ve had moments of better health in which it was clear that all of ‘it’ the sharp thinking, the clarity, the feelings of wellness are still there.
Good luck!
there are in Buddhism, two wings, wisdom and compassion. there really needs to be compassion with this wisdom. I find the RAIN method as explained by Tara Brach really helpful for dealing with the painful emotions that accompany pain. she also has some good approaches to pain. look at her writing and talks on the RAIN method. There really needs to be a lot of compassion here for what one is going through, towards oneself which in turn can be extended outward to all beings. thank you.
Was there a Part 2 Cort? I just came across this today and shared it in a couple of Facebook groups. My long history with Buddhist studies and practice has really helped me live well with this illness.